Hollywood, California --
Calling an impromptu press conference to announce her latest agreed upon movie deal – the third installment of the original ‘Speed’ movie series, which she first starred in back in 1994 and 1997 -- a somewhat dazed looking, visibly shaken and obviously emotionally distraught, Sandra Bullock slowly crossed the stage still dressed in her polka-a-dot pajamas, fuzzy bear claw footy slippers and miffed up hairdo with some help from two female assistants at both her sides. As she sat down at a green felt topped table with a single microphone placed in the center of it, amateur journalists, seasoned reporters and war hardened correspondents alike looked on teary eyed at what had become of America’s Sweetheart.
Sandra Bullock’s family, closest friends and even ‘Speed’ co-star Keanu Reeves earlier in the predawn hours of the new day had attempted an intervention, trying to convince her to voluntarily commit herself to a psychiatric ward at a local hospital, but she refused.
“Instead Sandra stormed out of the house in the middle of the night, calling her publicist demanding that she immediately set up a press conference,” said a close family friend. “We didn’t know she was that upset. Not to the point of committing career suicide by agreeing to do another ‘Speed ’ movie.”
“I thank you all for coming so early today. Especially on such short notice,” said Sandra Bullock speaking just above a whisper, her eyes appearing puffy and red, as if she had been crying all night along. “I won’t be taking any questions regarding the disintegration of my marriage…or the betrayal of my trust in humanity. Just about my decision to reprise my recurring role in the ‘Speed’ movie series with my good, loyal and true friend, Keanu Reeves.”
Just then an assistant reappeared on stage, leaning down to whisper something into Sandra Bullock’s ear.
“What?” said a somewhat bothered Sandra Bullock, before she slumped her head into her hands. “Oh God. Why me? Why me?”
“When we tried to have her involuntarily committed,” continued Bullock’s close friend. “But we were told by both legal and medical professionals that she had to pose a physical danger to either herself or others, first.”
Seeing Sandra Bullock’s condition worsen before her eyes, the female assistant grabbed the microphone, attempting to cancel the rest of the press conference. Following a brief struggle between the two, however, Sandra Bullock prevailed, regaining control of the microphone, and her press conference.
“No! I said I’ll be fine!” screamed Sandra Bullock at her assistant. “Are you deaf or something?”
After taking a few minutes to compose herself, wiping away tears, blowing her nose and repeatedly placing her head down on the green felt table, just to raise it up again and again, Sandra Bullock continued.
“Well, it seems my trusted friend Keanu Reeves – a man -- has betrayed me, too,” said an embittered Sandra Bullock. “Now he says he has a prior commitment and can’t do the movie with me after all. Isn’t that just so typical of a man, changing his mind like he changes his socks, underwear or lovers. Well, I’m going to prove to y‘all -- especially you men out there -- that I don’t need you anymore. I’ll make ‘Speed 3: Road Rage’ all by myself, so there. I’ll show you.”
Upon hearing of Sandra Bullock’s intention to make another ‘Speed’ movie, however, a judge immediately approved the family’s petition to have the disturbed starlet remanded into the custody of a psychiatric hospital for observation and evaluation.
“Allowing the alleged mental patient to make another installment of the ‘Speed’ movie series is all the evidence this Court needs to prove both mental and emotional instability,” wrote the judge in his decision. “And therefore, I rule the alleged mental patient presents a clear and present danger not only to herself, but especially others as well.”Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo
Hollywood, California --
Not to be out booked by his chief competitor and airwave rival, Jay Leno, just because he does not have a late night TV show to call his home any more, Conan O’Brien has managed to attract top celebrities to his ‘Twitter’ show, which he conducts from a Potemkin Village like studio made of construction paper, cardboard cutouts and lawn furniture under a tree in his backyard – of course, he has failed to mention to his fans that follow him on ‘Twitter’ that they are all celebrity impersonators.
“Tonight my special guest is Robert De Niro of ‘Taxi Driver’ fame,” Tweeted Conan O’Brien to his fans. “That’s right. And he’ll be doing that ‘Are you talking to me’ routine from the movie too. Man, that just creeps me out every time I see that.”
As Conan O’Brien rises to his feet to greet his celebrity imposter he is shocked to see that is it the real Robert De Niro walking onto his makeshift set he has erected adjacent to his kid’s dollhouse, which doubled as the waiting guests’ green room.
“Wow!” said Conan O’Brien as he struggled to ‘Tweet’ and greet his famous guest at the same time. “You’re the real Robert De Niro, aren’t you? I’ mean, of course you are. Who else would you be? I mean have on my show, but the real actor? And not some cheap celebrity knockoff or something.”
“Yeah, it’s me, Bobby De Niro,” said Robert De Niro as he takes a seat on an aluminum lawn chair next to Conan O’Brien’s white plastic table, covered with colorful flower stickers of red, yellow and orange. “I heard you were in a little trouble…and it looks like I heard right.”
“Yeah…,” said Conan O’Brien stalling for time as he signals to his 12-year-old stage director, a neighborhood kid, to cut to a commercial break.
“But we don’t have any sponsors!” replies the stage director, removing a Popsicle from his mouth in order to speak.
“…about that,” continued Conan O’Brien his eyes fixed on a small shadowy figure that moved among the braches and leaves above his head. “Just a little trouble… here and there. You know how show businesses is.”
“You know, Conan,” said a serious sounding Robert De Niro looking directly into O’Brien’s eyes. “I once played a comedian talk show host in a movie with a setup similar to this but in a basement. He too was obsessed with – ”
Suddenly an acorn came flying out of the tree, striking Robert De Niro on the head.
“What in the hell was that?” said Robert De Niro looking from side to side before bending over to pickup an acorn nut from the ground.
“It’s that squirrel. It’s amazing,” said Conan O’Brien to Robert De Niro, both now looking up at the tree from their seats. “It’s like that Russian mystic, Rasputin. Rasputin incarnate. The thing just won’t die.”
“Have you tried rat poison,” said Robert De Niro, still attempting to get a peek at the squirrel from his lawn chair.
“Yeah, I even bought this pellet gun,” said Conan O’Brien, as he pulled out a BB-gun from its holster he wore under his coat.
“You mind if I give it a try,” said Robert De Niro as he strapped on Conan O’Brien’s pellet gun and holster to his chest.
Conan O’Brien tweeting away to his fans as fast as he could, “You guys won’t believe what Robert De Niro is doing in my backyard right now.”
As Robert De Niro walked up to the trunk of the tree, looking up, a vague little shadowy figure scurried high up to the treetop.
“See,” said a confident Robert De Niro waving his arms loosely about his side. “Just the sight of me headed in its direction was enough to scare it away.”
Suddenly, just as before an acorn nut came from seemingly out of nowhere striking Robert De Niro on the head again. In fact, hitting him in the exact same spot.
Robert De Niro, checking for blood with his hand, unbuttoned his jacket exposing the holstered pellet gun. Then looking back in Conan O’Brien’s direction but at him, he began to re-enact his famous scene from ‘Taxi Driver’.”
“Co-staring then child actress protégée, Jodie Foster,” tweeted Conan O’Brien from under the table.
“What? Are you talking to me?” said Robert De Niro addressing the squirrel as Conan O’Brien stopped twittering for a moment and the stage director’s Popsicle fell to the ground. “Are you throwing your nuts at me? I don’t see anybody else here but me.”
Suddenly, just as before again, except as if fired from a machine gun this time came a shower of acorn nuts, pelting Robert De Niro.
“Excuse me,” Tweeted Conan O’Brien. “I have go rescue my hero, Robert De Niro from a squirrel.”
Using the white plastic table as cover, Conan O’Brien and his adolescent stage director were able to reach Robert De Niro who was sprawled out under the tree under a pile of acorn nuts.
“Come with me if you want to live,” said Conan O’Brien, holding out his outstretched hand to a dazed and confused looking Robert De Niro.
“Maybe you’re just too close to the squirrel’s ‘Home Tree’ like in that James Cameron movie,” said a defeated Robert De Niro, suggesting that Conan O’Brien move his makeshift cardboard studio back a little away form the squirrel’s tree. “What do you say, Conan?”
Conan O’Brien, turning to his freckled faced stage director, said as he tweeted, “Looks like I should’ve went with my gut and booked that Joe Pesci celebrity impersonator instead.”
Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo
Hollywood, California --
